Table of Life Contents…

One question that has essentially made its sporadic rounds within my lifetime is the question: “what would be the titles to the significant chapters in your life?”

 Every time I am asked this question, whether it be through my therapeutic associations or or other intimate conversations that spawn from my ambitions around knowing other people’s personal narratives, I can’t help but find myself in heavy thought for the next couple days thinking about the potential labels I could put on my chronological histories.  How does one narrow down all the different bouquets of personal experiences into one or two phrase labels that depict the chaos of personal development?  Do I risk reposing myself to the insanity that I relied on to help me survive both the terrains of childhood and young adulthood that already has left me scarred and formatted into the character that sits at this desk today? To make matters more complicated the above questions is often superseded by the broader question, “if you were to write a book about yourself what would you title the book?”

I can’t tell you how many titles have flashed throughout my mind within the given years of trying to answer this question.  I can tell you that I am slowly starting to get comfortable with the fear that no matter what title I choose to represent my life’s purpose it will only eventually rot away within the blossoming of new life that tends to follow the different seasons that guide my story to it’s inevitable conclusion (speaking in the manner of flesh and not spirit.)  

As a result, I have decided for the next couple of weeks my blogposts will solely focus on attempting to describe the figurative outline of my life’s story (so far) that situates itself within my mind.  Starting with today’s writing, I will attempt to detail a rough draft of the profound content and defining points throughout my history that I will further explore (in later posts) when it comes to the anecdotes and rationale for embellishing on such narratives. 

Proposed title of my “book” (so far):

“The Adaptions of Jonathon Nixon: The Rotating ‘I’ That Comes from Being a Family Therapist”

Part 1: The Seasons of Childhood  

Part 2: The Seasons of Young Adulthood

Part 3: The Seasons of Romance

Part 4: The Seasons of Parenthood

Part 5: The Seasons of Mid Life (Differentiation)

Part 6: Ambitions Buried within the Horizons of Tomorrow – Stories that Have Yet to Manifest

Give Support “ACHANCE”

I thought I would write about this because I’ve been using it quite a bit with my couple’s clients which tells me it might be that time of season where couples need to diversify the way they support each other in order to get them through the rest of the year. 

This is a little model that I built myself to help couples think differently about support, and more importantly, to be a means to ask or request different means of support rather than the “default” one’s that tend to develop in your relationship over time. 

I made this after noticing a common dynamic happening in my couple’s sessions over time.  The dynamic went like this – one partner would be distressed and go to their partner and essentially ask, or expect, their other partner to help them with their distress (family problems, work issues, health issues, etc.) and predictably the other partner would immediately go into advice giving (“you should do this…”) which ultimately resulted in the original partner becoming more angry or hurt because that wasn’t the kind of support they were looking for. So, after so many times of observing that I created the acronym of give support “ACHANCE” to help couples get the support they need and overcome this common dynamic. 

Here are the seven different types of support you can ask, or request, from others.

A:  Advocacy

It is important to remember in a relationship that you are a system/ team and that there can be times where the other might help or leadership at times during specific situations. 

Asking the question: “In what way can I advocate for you in this type of situation?” can go a long way when it comes to keeping the bond of trust strong in your relationship. 

C: Curiosity

Have you ever just wanted to talk and rant at someone or something to get something off your chest?  It can feel good sometimes to have a sound board to talk at.  This can be powerful way to support someone by adopting a non-judgmental and neutral position around your partners concern and sticking to questions like:  “what, where, when and how…” can help facilitate the processing needed by your partner. 

*** Bonus tip:  I generally consider “why” questions to be a dirty word when it comes to supporting or resolving issues with your partner.  These kinds of questions are too rhetorical in nature which is not helpful for a distressed brain and can present the risk of imposing a psychological accusation “why did you…?” (aka talking down) to a person trying to express whatever experience there are going through.

H: Humility or Humor

All couples have inside jokes and the opportunity to express humility around things they simply don’t know.  Use it for your advantage when it comes to cooling the tension around a particular topic.  Be sure to ask permission first when using humor in order to avoid falling into the trap of sarcasm. 

A: Advice

Let’s face it, sometimes being on the outside of someone’s problems can make it really easy to see the obvious answer that would help that individual overcome whatever challenge they are facing.  However, subjectivity can be strong with people and often require guidance and care to get them to that resolution point. 

When it comes to advice, be sure to ask if your advice is welcomed and stick to small bits of advice rather than taking to the “bandstand” to lecture whatever knowledge you might have.

*** Bonus tip: When it comes to support sensitivities can be high so being mindful with our language is a must.  One way to help avoid any triggers of reactivity in your partner is to stick to this rule of using “I” statements before “you” statements, until you both agree on “we” statements.  This can help keep those pesky psychological accusations from hijacking the conversation.

Example: Instead of : “You should do this…” try:  “As I hear you speaking, I’m having the thought that it might be helpful if you tried…?”

N: Nurturing

 “How can I nurture you in this moment?”

Most people have heard about the 5 Love Languages by Dr. Chapman.  If you know what gets your partner to feel comforted and secure in your relationship use it during these prime moments of support. Also, for many couples, nuturing can come in the form of time. Time needed to rest, recover and reset when it comes to the work associated with your role in the family. It can be a major boost to moral and a major form of support when it comes to taking over for your partner with daily and routine task to give them time of unconditional time to recoup.

C: Challenge

“Would you like for me to play devils advocate?”

Challenging can be a wonderful and often very fun way to work through whatever conflict that might be holding you or your partner back.  By asking permission to play devils advocate to the concern at hand allow yourself and your partner to role play whatever they are going through. Switch roles during the exercise and be sure to keep  it light to help your partner make better sense of the opportunity or resources that might be able to use to resolve their issue. 

E: Encouragement

“Hey! I’m proud of you for reading this blog post.  It tells me you are committed to the people who are important to you.  Good work!” 

Nothing beats some good ole fashion encouragement.  There is an inner child within us all and when it comes to being recognized or validated for even the littlest things we do about our life tends to comfort that “scared child” within us all. 

If you find yourself riding the wonderful rollercoaster of a romantic relationship then you know that support is a very vital component to your longevity and wellbeing. Use this model to help you to start thinking about the different means of support that you can ask for or give in those “wild loops” during your ride.

The Disease of “I Don’t Know…”

“Great to see you today, Mike, how you feeling?” The therapist said to his client after taking his seat.” 

“I don’t know, couldn’t really tell you.  Fine, I guess.”  Mike replied with a somber look in his face.

The therapist was quick to point out the concerning expression, “your face is telling me that it doesn’t look ‘fine.’  Tell me a story about your week and include details,” 

“I don’t know, nothing really happened this week.  I went to work, came home, played my games went to bed and that was kind of it.” 

The therapist smiled, “sounds like I could fit all that on a index card. Any particular interesting thoughts or ideas come up during the week, maybe while you were at work or playing your games”

“I don’t think so, if so, I can’t remember.” Mike replied. 

“What prevented you from keeping that journal on your person that we talked about from our last session?” The therapist asked.

“I don’t know, I bought one when I went to the store to get groceries, but I guess I left it on my counter.”

“Okay, so the plot thickens,” the therapist teased, “looks like I can add, ‘went to the store’ to this particular chapter in your life. Tell me, what was the thought that reminded you to pick up a journal when you were at the store?”

“I don’t know,” Mike groaned, “I think I just happened to walk by the office isle and just sort of remembered it, I probably wasn’t really paying attention.” 

The therapist saw an opportunity to push his client into a state of free association so he started to ask his following questions faster and non-sequentially to test a thought he was having around Mike’s thought process. “Mike, when I say the word ‘journal’ what comes up for you?” 

“What do you mean?” Mike curiously replied. 

“Just anything, what is the first thought you have when I say the word, ‘journal’?”

“I don’t know, maybe like book or something.”

The therapist jotted down a squiggly note on the pad in his lap and rapidly followed up with, “Okay, if you were to write a journal entry right now what would be the first line on the page say.” 

Looking more perplexed, Mike responded, “I don’t know,” and groaned to himself underneath his breath. 

The therapist continued with their line of questioning, “what would be one thing that you could right about that would reflect on of your greatest qualities?”

Mike continued to groan as the therapist moved on to their next question, “how about your first thought when you woke up this morning, what was that first thought you had when the alarm when off.” 

“I don’t know, probably I want to go back to bed.” 

“What about your second thought, or maybe a feeling, what was your first feeling you had when you woke up this morning?”  The therapist rapidly said. 

Mike could be seen becoming visibly distressed as his eye browns started to lean in over his wrinkled forehead, “I don’t know, I don’t really think about that.”

“What kind of feeling are you looking to achieve with your mental health goals?”  The therapist continued.

Mike’s tone started to become combative, “I don’t know! Like I said before I’m just sort of trying this out, I don’t know.”

The therapist clapped there hands together, “perfect, this is what I wanted to see, hello ‘Angry Mike,’ welcome to the therapy room.  Now before you go stomping out of my office, I want you to take a large deep breath because I want to share with a pattern, I am picking up that I think is contributing to your indifference about life.” 

Mike’s facial features softened and he followed the deep breathing prompt provided by the therapist sitting across from him.

The therapist started speaking, “Mike, I’m going to tell you that in the short time we’ve been with one another today I have counted around 11 times you have told me the phrase, ‘I don’t know,’ which is alarming to me because it makes me wonder if there is some psychological decision at play that might be translated into something like ‘don’t think,’ or ‘don’t seem to care,’ which maybe at the root of your unhappiness.” 

“What do you mean?” Mike leaned in from his chair looking more interested to what the therapist had to say next.

“We’ll get to that the more I get to know about you, but for starters I want to address these ‘I don’t knows,’ because frankly they will drive me absolutely bonkers if I continue to hear them unregulated in our sessions, so let’s reframe this phrase into what it really means, repeat after me.” 

“’Let me think about that for one minute.’”  Mike repeated after the therapist.

The therapist continued, “so let’s start our session over and instead of saying, ‘I don’t know,’ use that phrase you just said and let’s see what is different.” 

Mike nodded his head, “okay.”

“So Mike!” The therapist boasted, “how goes it? How are you feeling today?”

“I don’t…” Mike abruptly stopped at the sight of the therapist giving him a concerned look.

“I mean…” he corrected, “let me think about that for one minute.”

The therapist didn’t reply just sat and looked at him quietly as a full minute passed between then.  The therapist broke the silence, “so Mike since you’ve had a minute to think about it what did you come up with?”

“I feel sort of okay, right now.’ Mike softly replied.

“Where you able to do some journaling in the past week?”

“No, not really.” 

“What prevented you from jotting down a few notes about yourself?”

“I don’t …” again Mike stopped himself, “this is weird,” he confessed. 

The therapist looking intrigued replied, “how so?”

“I don’t know,” mike instinctually said. 

The therapist waved his finger in a reverse wheel motion indicating to mike to apply the rule which prompted Mike to retreat on the phrase, “oh sorry, I mean let me think about that for a minute.” 

Again, a heavy minute passed between them before the therapist spoke up, “and? What did you conclude about that ‘weirdness’ you were talking about a few minutes ago?”

“It just feels different, like it’s very awkward and unfamiliar, but it does have me thinking about how many times I use the phrase, ‘I don’t know,’ and it’s a lot.”

“Excellent! Let’s expand that ‘awkwardness’ and create a totally new experience for you today.  This time instead of saying ‘let me think about that for one minute,’ let’s boost it up to five minutes and see what happens?” 

“That seems like a long time,” Mike suspiciously replied.  

“Good. So, Mike if you were to start a journal entry for today what would be the first line of that entry?” The therapist said and cues to Mike for the conditioned response.

“Let me think about that for five minutes.”

The therapist kept a steady stare on Mike who started to fidget and reposition himself in his chair over and over for the following five minutes

The therapist spoke up again, “so Mike tell me about that experience of sitting in that five minutes of silence?”

“It’s really weird, seems like it took forever.”

“Did you come up with a answer for my question?” The therapist asked.

“I did, actually.  The line would go, ‘I was sitting in a chair feeling weird as shit in my therapist’s office.”

The therapist asked, “sounds like a more interesting story then you just ‘going to work’ and ‘playing video games.’

“Yeah, I guess.”  Mike said with an enthusiastic tone. 

“Great! you are going to use that as a tool when we start exploring some of the decisions you are currently making about your life.” The therapist said before standing up from his chair and concluding the session for the day. 

*** The following story is a fictional representation of a fictionalized clinical situation***

What Makes a Family Work?

What Makes a Family Work? The Essential Elements of a Strong Family Unit

Families are the foundation of our lives, shaping our experiences, values, and relationships. But what makes a family function well? A strong family unit isn’t just about love—it’s about structure, communication, and resilience. In this post I’ll explore some key elements that contribute to a thriving family system.

1. Family Structure & Roles

Every family has a structure, whether clearly defined or unspoken. This includes the hierarchy within the household (such as parental authority) and the roles each member plays. Some roles, like ‘caregiver’ or ‘protector,’ develop naturally, while others may be assigned. A balanced structure allows for stability while ensuring each family member has a valued place.

2. Rules & Boundaries

Family rules—both explicit and implicit—shape interactions. Healthy families establish fair and flexible rules that provide guidance without being overly rigid. Boundaries also play a crucial role, allowing for individual autonomy while maintaining close family bonds.

3. Emotional Transactions

Families are constantly exchanging emotions, both positive and negative. When emotional transactions are nurturing, they create a sense of security and belonging. However, negative patterns, such as criticism or avoidance, can create disconnection. Being mindful of emotional exchanges helps foster warmth and connection.

4. Communication Patterns

How family members communicate deeply impacts the overall dynamic. Open, honest, and respectful communication encourages understanding and trust. When families struggle with unhealthy patterns—like passive-aggressiveness or avoidance—it can lead to tension. Developing healthy communication skills ensures that everyone feels heard and valued.

5. Feedback Loops

Families operate in cycles of interaction, known as feedback loops. Some loops reinforce positive behaviors (e.g., expressing appreciation leading to more kindness), while others sustain dysfunction (e.g., constant criticism leading to withdrawal). Recognizing these patterns allows families to shift toward healthier dynamics.

6. Differentiation: Balancing Individuality & Connection

A strong family unit supports each person’s individuality while maintaining closeness. Differentiation means that family members can have their own opinions, interests, and goals without threatening the family bond. This balance prevents enmeshment (over-involvement) or detachment (emotional distance).

7. Problem-Solving & Decision-Making

Families face challenges, and how they navigate them determines their strength. Effective problem-solving includes open discussions, compromise, and a willingness to adapt. Teaching children collaborative decision-making skills prepares them for handling future conflicts in a healthy way.

8. Family Resilience

Every family encounters stress, but resilience determines how well they bounce back. Resilient families support each other during hardships, maintain strong connections, and find meaning in adversity. They view challenges as opportunities for growth rather than insurmountable obstacles.

Final Thoughts

A strong family unit isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being intentional. By fostering healthy roles, rules, communication, and resilience, families can create an environment where each member thrives. Small, consistent efforts in these areas can lead to lasting positive change.

The 10 Most Common Fears That Fuel Anxiety—And How to Overcome Them

The 10 Most Common Fears That Fuel Anxiety—And How to Overcome Them

Anxiety often stems from deeply rooted fears—many of which are ingrained in your subconscious and learned from your childhood. Sometimes, these kind of fears can be called "injunctives" which are negative beliefs that are implanted in the life scripts you develop throughout your life.   These fears have the ability to shape the way you see yourself and navigate the world. Left unchecked, or unresolved, they can create patterns of avoidance, self-doubt, and emotional distress. In this post, we'll explore 10 of the most common fears underlying anxiety and offer practical strategies to help you overcome them.

1. Fear of Not Being Good Enough

This fear manifests as perfectionism, self-criticism, and imposter syndrome. It often leads to chronic stress and the inability to celebrate personal achievements.

How to Overcome It: Practice self-compassion and challenge negative self-talk. Reframe mistakes as opportunities for growth rather than evidence of inadequacy.

2. Fear of Not Belonging

The need for acceptance is fundamental. Those who fear rejection may overcompensate by people-pleasing or withdrawing from relationships altogether.

How to Overcome It: Build authentic connections by embracing vulnerability. Surround yourself with supportive people who appreciate you for who you are.

3. Fear of Not Being Loved

This fear can lead to attachment anxiety, codependency, or avoidance of close relationships altogether.

How to Overcome It: Work on self-love and recognize that love from others starts with a healthy relationship with yourself. Therapy and mindfulness can help reshape unhealthy relational patterns.

4. Fear of Failure

Many people equate failure with personal worthlessness, causing them to procrastinate or avoid challenges entirely.

How to Overcome It: Shift your mindset to see failure as a stepping stone rather than a dead end. Reframe failure as feedback that brings you closer to success.

5. Fear of Losing Control

Control-seeking behaviors often arise from the fear of uncertainty, leading to excessive worry, rigidity, or even obsessive-compulsive tendencies.

How to Overcome It: Develop mindfulness practices that help you tolerate uncertainty. Learn to differentiate between what you can control and what you must accept.

6. Fear of Being Vulnerable

Being emotionally open can feel like a risk, especially for those who fear judgment or rejection.

How to Overcome It: Recognize vulnerability as a strength rather than a weakness. Start with small acts of openness and gradually increase your comfort with emotional honesty.

7. Fear of Being a Burden

People with this fear often hesitate to ask for help, believing they are too much for others to handle.

How to Overcome It: Remind yourself that healthy relationships involve mutual support. Accepting help can strengthen relationships rather than weaken them.

8. Fear of Success

Success can feel overwhelming, bringing increased pressure, expectations, or fear of losing oneself.

How to Overcome It: Clarify your personal values so that success aligns with your authentic self. Embrace growth as a natural part of life.

9. Fear of Change

Even positive change can trigger anxiety, as the unfamiliar often feels unsafe.

How to Overcome It: View change as an opportunity rather than a threat. Build resilience by gradually exposing yourself to new experiences.

10. Fear of Being Yourself

This fear stems from internalized messages that one’s true self is unacceptable. It can lead to chronic self-editing and a loss of identity.

How to Overcome It: Explore and embrace your authentic self. Practice self-expression in small, safe ways, and challenge the beliefs that tell you you're not enough as you are.

Final Thoughts

Recognizing these fears is the first step in overcoming them. By practicing self-awareness, self-compassion, and intentional action, you can start loosening anxiety’s grip. Of course therapy, mindfulness, and healthy relationships are powerful tools in this journey and it is important to remember that you are not alone in having these deep seated fears. You are fully capable of moving beyond them into a life of greater peace and fulfillment.